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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25287448">i left my heart in the northern city</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/panlesters/pseuds/panlesters'>panlesters</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>i don't know why (deleted scenes) [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Fluff, M/M, Pining, Softness, mostly just the boys being disgustingly in love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 10:12:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,521</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25287448</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/panlesters/pseuds/panlesters</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s harder, getting in the car to drive away from uni, from Manchester and from Phil. It’s like going their separate ways, which feels completely unnatural. Their ways should be anything but separate.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dan Howell/Phil Lester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>i don't know why (deleted scenes) [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1719151</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>53</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i left my heart in the northern city</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>ah yes another idk why fic! ive had this idea a little while and it manifested itself today! set right after the last chapter <br/>TW there is a reference to suicide in passing conversation if you squint <br/>enjoy! </p>
<p>title is from northern city by to kill a king</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s harder, getting in the car to drive away from uni, from Manchester and from Phil. Dan’s not sure what makes it so much worse than getting the train. Maybe it just feels more permanent, all his stuff in boxes in the back seat. It feels final, even though he knows it’s only going to be a few weeks until they see each other again. Or maybe it’s that he had to watch Phil get in his own car and drive away. It’s like going their separate ways, which feels completely unnatural. Their ways should be anything but separate. They should be linked, intertwined. They should have met and stayed together, rather than this zigzagging back and forth. He feels like he’s leaving part of himself behind in this city, letting part of him drive away in the car while he’s helpless to stop it.</p>
<p>His phone buzzes as he buckles his seatbelt.</p>
<p>“Popular?” his mum asks as she turns on the engine.</p>
<p>“It’s Phil,” Dan says, pulling his phone out his pocket. He knows before he’s even looked, but the confirmation on the screen makes his stomach flutter.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Phil: Miss you already :( &lt;3 </strong>
</p>
<p>Dan stares down at his phone for a second, trying to hide the smile that’s creeping its way on to his face.</p>
<p>“You’re quite fond of each other, aren’t you?” his mum asks. He looks up at her, and he’s suddenly incapable of stopping the smile from taking over his face. He drops his head down quickly, suddenly aware that he could give himself away. Not that he thinks his mother would ever imagine him to have a boyfriend.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” he says.</p>
<p>“It’s nice to see you happy again,” she says quietly, reaching out a hand to run over his knee.</p>
<p>“What d’you mean?” he asks, trying his best to keep his voice steady. He never really thought his parents noticed when he was going through the really dark ages, when things at school and work were shit and true happiness was a distant dream. He’s not sure how he feels about his mum noticing. Whether he’s comforted by her noticing when he wasn’t okay or whether he’s angry that she never really stopped to ask him how he was when he was actually in the dark place.</p>
<p>“You’re so… sunshiney today,” she says, throwing a fond glance his way before turning back to the road. “And you were the same when you came home for grandma’s birthday. You never really seemed to be quite so happy, before you went to uni.”</p>
<p>“I am happier,” Dan says quietly. “I… I made some really great friends this year, mum. Phil’s my best friend.”</p>
<p>She doesn’t look back over at him but she smiles, big and genuine at the road ahead of her, and Dan feels something a little like contentment stir in his stomach. It means something that she wants him to be happy, it means more that she notices when he is. He doesn’t want to be angry at her right now. Things are good, and he wants them to stay that way.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Dan: miss u too &lt;/3 </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Phil: Come back? </strong>
</p>
<p>Dan looks up at his mum then. He almost asks her if they can turn round, if she can take him straight to Phil’s and just go home with his boxes. His mouth opens, and then closes again. He can’t quite manage it.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Dan: wish i could </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Phil: :( </strong>
</p>
<p>He books his train tickets as soon as he gets home, ringing Phil as soon as it’s done.</p>
<p>“Hey,” he says down the phone with a laugh, “I might’ve done something a little sneaky.”</p>
<p><em>“Ooh, do tell,”</em> Phil says, and Dan can practically hear the eyebrow raise.</p>
<p>“So I know we said two weeks, but the tickets for next week were super cheap and I kind of… booked those instead.”</p>
<p>
  <em>“You’re coming next week?” </em>
</p>
<p>Dan giggles at the excitement in Phil’s voice, feels the butterflies swoop in his stomach.</p>
<p>“Is that okay?”</p>
<p><em>“I suppose I’ll survive it,” </em>Phil says with fake nonchalance. <em>“If I absolutely have to.” </em></p>
<p>Dan laughs again, and rolls his eyes inwardly. God, he’s so stupid and giggly, like he’s talking to his crush down the phone in an 80s movie, hoping to be asked out any moment. He’s never known Phil to have this effect on him, and it makes him feel a little squirmy and silly until Phil mentions it.</p>
<p><em>“What are you giggling about?” </em>he asks. Amusement coats his own voice and Dan aches to have him here next to him, pressing a kiss to his cheek as he laughs that deep, gravelly laugh Dan loves so much.</p>
<p>“You make me giggly, mate,” Dan says shyly.</p>
<p><em>“Yeah?”</em> Phil says, and the confidence in his tone has Dan turning a little red. <em>“Well good, it’s cute.” </em></p>
<p>Dan huffs another laugh. Any chance he had of regaining composure has gone out the window.</p>
<p><em>“You still there?” </em>Phil asks after a few seconds of silence.</p>
<p>“You killed me, actually,” Dan says.</p>
<p><em>“Wow, can’t even tell my boyfriend he’s cute without committing murder,”</em> Phil grumbles, <em>“What am I supposed to do now?” </em></p>
<p>“Keep telling me,” Dan says, finding a shred of confidence amidst his strange bout of bashfulness.</p>
<p>
  <em>“I can do that.” </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s not until Dan goes to bed that he suddenly feels like he’s really missing something big. He’s not slept alone in months, and his bed feels cold and empty without Phil. There’s not even space for another body beside him, and the tiny bed almost makes it worse. Even if he wanted Phil here, he couldn’t tuck himself in behind and wrap his arms around Dan’s waist like he does at uni. This is like a different life, a pre-Phil life, with no room for him. And Dan hates that.</p>
<p>He pulls a pillow down from the head of the bed and wraps his arms around it. It definitely doesn’t compare to having Phil spoon him from behind, but at least he can pretend there’s another body there to hold. A cold, tiny, squishy body. Maybe he can’t pretend, after all.</p>
<p>He’s lying awake, staring at the ceiling when light is suddenly cast up across it. He turns his head to see Phil ringing him, and butterflies flood his stomach again. Maybe they have some kind of psychic connection that he’s not really aware of.</p>
<p>“Hey,” he murmurs down the phone.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Hey.” </em>
</p>
<p>“You okay?” Dan asks, suddenly feeling more alert at the sad tone coating Phil’s single word.</p>
<p><em>“Miss you,” </em>Phil says quietly.</p>
<p>“Miss you too,” Dan echoes, rolling on to his side. “I was just thinking about you.”</p>
<p>
  <em>“Yeah?”</em>
</p>
<p>“I was cuddling a pillow,” Dan admits sadly, “But it’s not warm like you.”</p>
<p><em>“Are we disgusting?” </em>Phil asks, a sad laugh in his voice. Dan opens his mouth to reply, but Phil carries on. <em>“I have a pillow too.” </em></p>
<p>Dan huffs a laugh.</p>
<p>“We’re not disgusting,” he promises. “Just missing each other.”</p>
<p><em>“Yeah,”</em> Phil says. There’s that sadness again.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Dan says, more insistently. “You know you can tell me if something’s wrong, yeah?”</p>
<p><em>“I know,”</em> Phil says. There’s a pause, then a sigh. <em>“It just feels so stupid to miss you so much already,”</em> he says quietly.</p>
<p>“It does feel kinda weird,” Dan agrees. “But I don’t think it’s stupid. I think we just got used to having each other there.”</p>
<p><em>“I feel like I lost a limb,”</em> Phil says, with a quiet huff. <em>“I didn’t think it was gonna hurt so soon.”</em></p>
<p>“You’re making me sad,” Dan says without thinking.</p>
<p><em>“Sorry,” </em>Phil whispers. <em>“I can stop if you want.”</em></p>
<p>“Don’t you dare,” Dan says sternly. “I never thought anyone was ever gonna miss me if I was gone.”</p>
<p><em>“Dan-”</em> Phil starts, and Dan is quick to interrupt when he realises what he’s said.</p>
<p>“Not like that,” he adds. “Just. I don’t know. I never really meant that much to people before. No one’s ever specifically told me they missed me before.”</p>
<p><em>“I think you’re gonna get sick of me saying it,”</em> Phil tells him.</p>
<p>“I’m not,” he says. “I’m never gonna get sick of it.”</p>
<p>They stay on the phone to each other until Phil’s breathing evens out and Dan hears a clatter as the phone must have fallen out of his hand and on to the floor. He rolls his eyes and hangs up, making sure to leave Phil a message for when he wakes up.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Dan: good night baby, i love you &lt;3 </strong>
</p>
<p>He never really thought <em>baby</em> was going to stick as a pet name, but the more Dan said it, the more Phil would blush and stare at their intertwined hands, shove his face into Dan’s neck to hide his embarrassment. Dan loves that reaction, and he drops his head to the side, imagining there’s someone there to slot their face in the gap between his neck and shoulder.</p>
<p>The pillow is still a sorry substitute for Phil, but Dan falls asleep easy after that, safe in the knowledge that there’s a boy in the north who fell asleep thinking about how much he misses him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thanks for reading! comments are appreciated, come scream at me on tumblr @ panlesters</p></blockquote></div></div>
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